In June of 2014, I discovered that my husband was seeing someone else. Though not for the first time, it would be the last. I felt like a bomb had been dropped, scattering the pieces of my life. I was not surprised, however. I saw it coming a year prior. Let me back up a bit and share the events that set this course in motion; the spark that ignited this flame.
When I first decided I wanted to learn to teach yoga, it was simply because I wanted to share the practice with my family. “How can I help them feel physically better in their bodies?” That was my question. Then, I wanted to be able to help anyone around me who had pain, or some sort of ailment that I knew yoga could assist with. Once I started teacher training, my vision started to expand even more. I wanted the ability to help Everyone. Ha! Well, its true.
I already knew that yoga for me was a spiritual journey as well as a physical practice. But diving deep into the studies and training, I began to feel a shift. I was becoming more aware of my own being, my truest, highest self. How that change manifested on the outside, I’m not quite sure. But my husband started to behave differently. I was stepping into my own truth, I was honoring me, and he did not know how to take that. A man who is not comfortable with change was married a woman who was transforming.
I knew the moment I stepped into my 200 hour teacher training that my marriage would not survive. I don't know how I knew, but I felt it. We had already been through a lot, and I loved him, but there was a sense of inevitability that I could not deny.
I could see that in order for him to grow, some things needed to shift. In order for me to fly, I needed to be set free. But these things are scary, aren’t they? Leaving anything that seems or feels solid or substantial can look like irresponsibility. My opinion though is that the real lack of responsibility and kindness to ourselves and others lies in staying where we are for longer than we should. When we are no longer serving our true purpose, no longer thriving and happy, be it in a job that we hate or a relationship that truly doesn’t feel or act like love, we are not serving the greater good.

On the last day of 200-hr TT, early March 2013, we had a closing ceremony. There was a candle lit in the center of the room. We were to write on two separate pieces of paper: 1. What we wanted to release from our lives, and burn that; 2. What we wanted to call in. This was new to me, and I don’t often find myself creative in this aspect. I wanted to let the answer come, rather than think it. I took my pen and piece of paper; first, release. Immediately, without provocation, I heard my husband's first name from deep within my soul. Wow! I knew it to be truth, but it scared the shit out me. I can’t go there. I tried that once, tried to leave, but it didn’t work. I’m not writing that, I thought. How about I write, "expectation." That's a great thing to release. So I did.
However, the truth quickly became very clear to me. That’s what happens when you are in touch with your highest self. You cannot lie to you. I knew that how I felt in my marriage was not how I wanted to feel in love. I knew I was also to blame, I just didn’t know what to do. So I prayed. Lord, if I am truly meant to be with this man going into the next phase of my life, then please show me how to love him better, because I am failing. On the other hand, if I'm meant to go through this next phase without him, then he has to be the one to leave, and I will be eternally grateful. See, right there. That was really all the answer I needed. My truth raw and real, the honesty of what I really wanted. However, I needed confirmation from God. If it is in our best interest, individually and as a couple to go our separate ways, then my husband has to be the one to leave. I tried to go once, and I doubted myself. It had to be him this time.
It was then that I began to be hit with these images of my husband falling in love with another woman. It hit me hard and I knew the truth of it. That was the only way he would let me go. He would have to see for himself, an alternative. Ok. That would hurt, but ok. I want him to be happy. I want him to be loved and adored and cared for. I could not give him that, and I would not deny him joy. I released that possibility back to the universe, and chose to continue to love him with all I had in the interim.
Eventually, in carrying on with my life, I would start visiting open houses. If we were gonna do this thing, I wanted to see about getting settled, maybe buy a house. Even though I had a vision placed in my heart, a truthfulness that resonated deeply that our relationship would not endure, I went about the business of the moment, which was living. I didn’t forget my prayer, but I wanted to give my relationship every opportunity.
The final nail in the coffin, I believe, was when I decided for my 40th birthday that I wanted to take myself to Mexico on a yoga retreat with my teacher. The cost was so reasonable, financially. It would eventually, however, cost me my marriage. I felt very strongly that I had to do it though. I didn’t know when I would have another chance, but more importantly, something inside me felt the need to know how to run one. So I went. I did it for me. I would be branded as a completely selfish person. Probably not for the first time.
So once the ball dropped that my husband was in love with another woman, I was like, oh shit, it’s fucking go time. Seriously, did this really just happen? Surreal. The deepest sense of surrealism I have ever experienced and possibly will ever again. For two full days I felt like I was walking around in a dream space, an alternative universe. Stunned, shocked.
I manifested this. I saw it, I released it, it happened. I am aware that it was not me placing those images, but the Universal truth, God, preparing me for what was to come.
I did not expect it to hit me as hard as it did. Still, in my doubting heart, is this really it? Are we really done? Have we played out every possibility? Are we going to get through this one too and stay together? I knew in my guts I was being set free and I was so grateful, and scared. I am a doubter by nature and I needed God to handle this one. And handle it He did. Each time I let myself entertain reconciliation, the Universe showed me why that was not to be. And I experienced even more relief.
So, here I am standing in the middle of this situation, taking inventory of my life. I have lost two jobs in the last year due to restaurant closures. My savings is nonexistent. I have accrued quite a bit of credit card debt recently. And I was 2 months out from beginning the 300-hr teacher training. I had hoped, planned, thought that I would have the opportunity to not have to work too much so that I may put all of my energy and time into study. How in the hell was I going to move out? WTF had I gotten myself into? My whole life I had kept a full-time job, health insurance, blah blah. Now, when I actually needed the net, it was gone, (or so it would appear).
As life would have it, I remained at home for about three months preparing for whatever the hell was next. My husband and I were able to talk a lot. We were always friends and we cared deeply for and about each other. But shit, he was seeing someone else, and I was still living there.
Solace would come in the form of a friend of a friend who was in a band. He traveled a lot for 2-3 weeks at a time. He had a place in the Hollywood Hills and offered it to me to house-sit. Oh thank you sweet baby Jesus. Respite. A place to land and regroup for a bit. I had started teacher training and this was a place for me to be completely alone. I had a large outdoor patio that sat on the corner of a hill. The Hollywood sign was to my left, downtown to my right. What a blessing and a gift. I would make the move back and forth there three times. It wasn't all roses of course seeing as how I carried a car full of "essentials" that I had to unload by myself, quite a long way, up the stairs. Each time I questioned, what the hell am I doing with my life?

I always say that if God is calling us into or out of a particular situation, He will eventually kick us into gear. And it won't be as pretty as it would if we simply followed the prompting in the first place. This break-up was mine. It hurt. But God always uses our situations for good, if we allow it.
From the moment this split began, I was ushered into truly living in the moment for the first time in my life. I had never been able to live presently. Oh I was now. I could not see one day ahead of me. I was completely here, now, with each action, each thought, and it was liberating. My worry about the future disappeared as I allowed each day to play itself out. I was not in control of all that was happening around me, but I was in control of me. I began to truly experience the presence that I teach on the yoga mat. It was so beautiful to me that I could not be mad at the pain. I understood what is meant by the “observer.” I was and I am that observer. I watched the pain and anger flash across my human being, and I knew that I, my true Self was just fine underneath. I was having the experience, but I was not ruled by it.
This is the place where I began to visualize how I wanted my life to look and feel. I could have gotten caught up in destructive thoughts and actions, but I chose to use this inevitable platform to spring myself forward into the life I always wanted to live.
It is amazing to me to see how the Universe works.
When I sit back and watch the events unfold around me, I am in awe. I began my teacher training and initiated the journey into my truth. At the end of that six months, God confirmed for me what was already in my heart by placing my husbands name at the forefront of what to release. There was nothing else there but him. A month later (and I didn’t even put that timeline together until I started writing this) the images, the knowledge of what was to come, were shown to me in an undeniable way.
Once the events were set into motion, God placed two groups of women into my life. I almost said randomly. Ha! Nothing is random. The first was an Abundance Circle led by a wonderful woman who was my therapist for a time. This group of five women met every other week for eight weeks. We used tools for manifesting our greatest desires and exploring the limitations that seemed to hold us back from achieving, or receiving, those desires. The second group was a peer/friend group of likeminded ladies led by a highly intuitive friend. We would gather at each new moon and discuss what we wanted to invite into our lives and what we wanted to release. There was that concept again.
The inner work that I had been doing alone for most of my life now took a deeper plunge surrounded and supported by others, and more importantly, women. My perception of the world broadened yet again. All of these pieces were falling into place without me even having to try, or ask. I surrendered and I was upheld.

At that point in my life, I could not see what was to come, I just kept taking the steps that were before me. Trust and surrender. God only gives us enough light for the step ahead, we don’t get to see the whole staircase. This truth had a profound impact on me the first time I heard it. I have been paying that phrase forward ever since. I only realized quite recently that it was Martin Luther King, Jr who said it. It is biblical of course, but he had a way with words, didn’t he? Well, sometimes we get a glimpse. Trust that vision and surrender to the process.
Thank you so much for listening, and taking this journey with me. Next week I will share with you more about my year as a nomad and how that prepared me for where I sit today.
Go here to read Part 2: My Life as a Nomad

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